Family Court Strategy for Dads (Father's Day Edition)

**Think Family Court is Simple? Think Again. A Reality Check for Dads Navigating Custody Battles.**
Welcome back to another eye-opening episode of Self-Represented in Family Court, with your host  Family Court Strategist™ Tracey Bee. If you've ever thought family court was straightforward or designed with the kids' best interests at heart, it's time to reassess those assumptions. This episode dives deep into the strategies dads need to successfully navigate family court, especially when fighting for custody and fair child support.

**Episode Highlights:**
- **The 50/50 Custody Myth:** Learn why some states lean towards a 50/50 custody arrangement for never-married parents, and what this really means.
- **Standard Visitation Schedules:** Understand the typical visitation schedules in your jurisdiction and why getting more time might require taking your case to trial.
- **Types of Visitation:** Discover the different types of visitation options, from supervised and therapeutic to overnight and long-distance visits.
- **Strategy Over Advice:** Why developing a personal strategy is crucial, and how blindly following others' advice could backfire on you big time.
- **Fluid Nature of Family Court:** Uncover the unpredictable scenarios you might face and why having a game plan is your best asset.
- **Joint Legal Custody:** Even if 50/50 physical custody isn't attainable, why joint legal custody is worth fighting for.
- **Avoiding Common Pitfalls:** Learn why seeking joint custody to avoid child support is a bad idea, and hear success and failure stories of fathers post-joint custody.
- **Leveraging Child Support:** Tracey reveals her personal experience with child support negotiations and the importance of finding leverage to use to your advantage.
- **Research and Preparation:** Why it's vital to educate yourself on child support laws and custody procedures rather than relying solely on lawyers.
- **The Father's Role:** Tracey emphasizes the unique and irreplaceable role fathers play in their children's lives, urging dads to fight for meaningful relationships despite legal complexities.


Family court is far from black and white; it’s filled with nuances and challenges that require thoughtful strategies. This episode is packed with actionable insights and heartfelt advice aimed at helping dads position themselves advantageously in their custody battles.

Stay tuned for next week's episode where we delve even deeper into practical tips and real-life stories from dads who’ve navigated the family court system.

**Subscribe and leave a review if you found this episode helpful. Let's stay connected and empower more fathers together!**
---
Need help

Transcript

Tracey Bee [00:00:01]:
Well, hello there. It's Tracy B. And you're listening to self represented and family court. So I know I'm a little late, but I wanted to wish all the amazing dads, men, period, uncles, godfathers, whomever is taking the role of a dad in a child's life. I think dads are incredible, incredibly, incredibly important. And if you know me, you know that I am not a fan of anyone trying to keep a dad, a healthy, responsible, mature dad. And I say that not to be judgmental or to make the. To raise the stakes so that only certain dads make the cut.

Tracey Bee [00:00:55]:
It's because kids look at dads entirely different than they look at moms. I remember my son was incredibly attached to his dad. And I remember thinking when I would see him with his dad, how his dad would do things entirely different than I did. I mean, the way he would walk away with him down the block and not hold his hand and, you know, walk fast and, you know, make my son run to keep up. And the way he fed him everything, everything. And I tried so hard to change that, to micromanage how he parented my son. And then shortly after that, I realize that's not what I'm supposed to do. He's doing exactly what he's supposed to do at his dad, because what he was doing is ensuring that my son was independent and responsible and felt safe and felt loved and felt protected and felt capable and felt confident.

Tracey Bee [00:02:04]:
And I thought that I was doing that my way. And not to say that I wasn't, but I realized dads play an entirely different role in kids development than moms do. And no one is better than the other. They just. We just have different roles. And my son's dad passed away this January, I think will be four years ago, and my son has not been the same since. It wasn't until that happened that I realized how much. Even though I still criticize the way my son's dad parented and or co parented, I realized the impact that he did have on my son that I didn't even see forming until he was gone.

Tracey Bee [00:02:51]:
And even now, still, every so often, I wish that my son's dad was still here. Not for me, for my son. So I am not pro dad. I am not pro mom. I am pro kid. And I will tell anybody that. And there are some people who will say to me, oh, you're always trying to make excuses for dads. You're always advocating for them.

Tracey Bee [00:03:12]:
You're always. And I don't care. It doesn't bother me? No one ruffles my feathers that easily. You can call me whatever you want. You can say whatever you want. I have very thick skin. I'm a native New Yorker. It takes a lot to really get to me.

Tracey Bee [00:03:26]:
And not to mention, I have really good comebacks. So. So if you consider me pro dad, hey, knock yourself out. I'm telling you, I'm pro kid, though. But I do think. I do think, and I felt this way since I was a kid, that dads are incredibly important in kids lives. They are, again, not just any kind of dad who's abusive and responsible and all that stuff. I mean, they serve a purpose, too.

Tracey Bee [00:03:53]:
Don't get me wrong. We all have a purpose and we all have our own journeys. And I am not here to judge. But I do think that if you're not completely on track with your own life and fighting your own demons the way you should, it's pretty hard to set an example for your child. So anyway, again, happy father's day. And guess what today's episode is going to be all about. You guessed it, dad. So there is this thing, and it's always been, since I can remember, this thing where in family court and family law, fathers rights have to be separate from anything else, from anyone else because, you know, and depending on who you ask, dads get shafted in family court on a regular.

Tracey Bee [00:04:47]:
And, hey, again, whatever your perspective is on that, it is what it is. I'm not debating anybody over what their perspective is over anything. I don't argue with anybody over anything. I'm past that. My opinion is my opinion. My opinion is based on. I am incredibly, incredibly anal about researching and reading and listening and talking and asking and all that stuff. So when I state an opinion, it's not just because I just pulled it out of the air.

Tracey Bee [00:05:18]:
It's because I have personal experience, I have professional experience. I listen, I watch, I analyze, I read, I do everything. And so in it. And that's what shapes my opinions and my perspectives on a lot of things. And yes, I listen to people who don't agree with me and I take that into account. But at this age, with a lot of things, in family law, there's very few things that anyone can change my opinion on. I've been in family law for more than 20 years, and I've seen it all. And every now and again, I am surprised about, you know, a few things, but for the most part, I've seen and heard it all.

Tracey Bee [00:05:58]:
And again, my opinion is my opinion. I'm very analytical. I analyze everything I pick apart, everything, anything anybody tells me, anything, anything I read, I'm still going to use my own discernment. I'm going to still break it down and analyze it to see how it makes sense to me. And so, yeah, the father's rights movement, that has been around since I would imagine the seventies, maybe earlier as far I'm talking specifically in family court. And there. That's great. I think it's great because I do think that, you know, whether I believe that the courts are really biased against dads and in favor of bonds, I mean, that's neither here nor there because as I had to tell a dad today, the reality is you're dealing with what you're dealing with.

Tracey Bee [00:06:57]:
It's not going to change because you're angry about the system. You see all the flaws and all the, all the imperfections and all the, you know, all the negatives and the discontent. It's not going to change what you have to deal with. And that's why I do what I do. Because if we have a hand that's dealt to us and we can't just throw it in and we can't just give up, you have to play that hand. You just have to figure out a way to make that hand work for you. Right. Complaining about it and saying, oh, this is just a bad hand, and just keep going on and on about it.

Tracey Bee [00:07:34]:
Well, guess what? You're doing nothing. Nothing's getting done. Your situation isn't changing. Right. It isn't. So, yeah, if the father's rights movement is going to encourage dads to do something, aside from complaining, if it's going to help them what I call position their case or present their argument better or more enlightened, then that's, I'm all for it. Because that's what's key. Because the reality is, you know, you thinking you're going to challenge the family court on the basis of constitutional infringement or do process violations or, you know, misconduct or bias, not to say that they won't work, but in the thick of things, when you're still trying to get those times, those, those days, that access to your child, that's not going to get it.

Tracey Bee [00:08:31]:
That's not going to, that's not a means to that specific end. And not to say that you shouldn't try that, but they're not the same. They're on two different trajectories. There are two different directions. So if you're in family court right now or you're going or, you know, you've recently been there, and you're trying to get some, some justice, quote unquote justice for you as dad going to federal court trying to file a federal suit or trying to spearhead a campaign and get a judge recused or whatever, whatever it is that has nothing to directly do with you seeing your child. To me, and I am a strategist. I am an action taker. I am a problem solver.

Tracey Bee [00:09:18]:
I am a solutionist. I am not trying to do things just because I can do them. Just because you could does not mean you should. And again, that is your personal choice. I get it. But when dads come to me and say, hey, I want to file this suit against them at the court, and I want to get rid of the judge and everybody under them, and blah, blah, blah, the first thing I always ask them is, and when do you think you are going to see your child as a result of that? Do you think any of that is going to help you get closer to your goal of seeing your child? Now, if that's not your goal, then, hey, go for it. Go do it. I root for you strongly, but if you're still in court trying to, or about to go back to court or about to go to court, trying to see that child who desperately needs to have you in their life, then stay focused, please.

Tracey Bee [00:10:14]:
You can address those issues later on if you're trying to get time with your child, please stay on that track. Don't get distracted. And I'm specifically saying that to, because I kid you, not every dad that I've worked with, not every dad, 95% of the dads that I've worked with. And yes, I do work with dads. I love working with dads. I love working with dads for different reasons, because dad's men, period, see things differently. And they're always helping me to broaden the way I look at things. And I live for that.

Tracey Bee [00:10:50]:
I live for anyone who challenges me to see things differently. Not that I have to agree, but to see things differently. And so I do love working with men. The part I don't like is when most of them come to me and they're always wanting to do one of those three things. They want to get the judge thrown off the case and everybody else, they want to get. They want to start some sort of class action, or they want to start some sort of federal action against the court and the judge and everybody else they can think of. And I'm always saying, okay, I hear you, but I thought you said you wanted to see your kid. Oh, I do.

Tracey Bee [00:11:27]:
Well, how do you think any of those three things is going to get you closer to seeing your kid? And they rarely see, seldom have an answer. They rarely do. I've yet to hear a dad or a man say to me, because this is going to do x, Y and z, and they have a real thought out, methodical, solid plan to get some access to their kids based on taking one of those three actions. And ask any attorney, ask any attorney if they are familiar with any dad who, who is able to get visitation based on doing one of those three things, please ask, because I tell you, I can assure you, you may get a yes or two, but not many more, I can assure you, because lawyers know that. And again, not to say that you shouldn't fight that fight, but you should not, don't misconstrue one for the other. They're not the same. They're not. So anyway, that's, let's talk about family court strategy for you.

Tracey Bee [00:12:32]:
First of all, family court for dads is going to boil down to one of two things. Married or never married. Yes, married or never married. Married. You're going to go through divorce, custody, visitation, child support, property disability distribution, alimony, attorney's fees, and not just you being the one being requested of those things. You could be the one requesting those things as well. But when it's never married, the child was produced from a never married relationship, it's a little different. You have to start with paternity.

Tracey Bee [00:13:14]:
And why is that different for married opposed to never married? Because in married couples, paternity is presumed to be a child born of a marriage is presumed to be the child of that husband. Now, there are ways to get around that, but it's extremely difficult in some places, in some places to rebut that presumption. I mean, the courts will give you so much flack about trying to rebut that presumption. And there's a reason why, and we all know what the reason is. Money. Yes, money. Family court is a money machine. And a lot of things that they do, a lot of the processes and the procedures and all that stuff, it actually does stem on money.

Tracey Bee [00:13:57]:
Capital revenue. Absolutely. So a child born of a marriage that is not the husband's is going to take a little bit more of an effort, a little bit of a detour to get the court to establish that child as not being the husband. And again, it depends on where you are. Some you have to start a whole entire different proceeding in family court. Some you have to start a civil proceeding to what is called vacate the paternity, the acknowledgement of paternity, or the birth certificate or whatever it is, whatever the document is that was signed or that was provided for the child. So it depends. It depends on where you are.

Tracey Bee [00:14:46]:
If you're never married and there is no acknowledgement of paternity or certificate of acknowledgement or whatever it's called in your area, then you have to start a paternity proceeding. In some courts, paternity proceedings are done separately, and in some paternity proceedings are accompanied child support and or visited custody. Once paternity is started or requested, and either party can request paternity, the mom can or the dad can. If dad requests paternity, sometimes the judge will ask mom if she concedes to the fact that the child is the non custodial parent's child. That's counterproductive, though. If you question paternity, stick to it, go ahead and proceed to an actual DNA test, and do not do any stipulations in court. And I say this for a reason. Once you sign a paternity or acknowledgement of paternity, acknowledging that you are dead, it's really hard to get out of that.

Tracey Bee [00:15:50]:
When it comes to child support obligations, it really is extremely hard, which is very similar to what I was just talking about when the child is presumed to be a child of the husbands, when the parents are married. So if you sign a paternity or acknowledgement of paternity or certificate of paternity, and you find out later that you're not, that in a never married relationship, it's really hard to undo that in some places, most places. Because, again, it's about keeping somebody on the hook to pay child support so that the government doesn't have to take care of, you know, the child. So, and then once paternity is established in a never married relationship, then you can proceed to custody, visitation and child support. In a divorce, as I mentioned, paternity is usually not a precursor. They usually usually go right to custody, visitation, support, and anything else that's involved in the marriage, you know, property distribution, debt, liabilities, and all that stuff. The other thing I wanted to notice the difference is in a lot of states, in a lot of states, a child born of a marriage, as far as custody is concerned, is going to be viewed as a child that has a relationship and a bond with both parents. And the judge is going to more than likely look at the factors a little differently than they would a child who was of a never married couple.

Tracey Bee [00:17:36]:
Never mind if the never married couple lived together? This, yes, in 2020 for almost 2025. There's still somewhat of a bias, and it is a bias to presume that kids born of a marriage should be viewed differently in visitation custody than kids born of a non married couple who cohabitated. But they do in some courts. Some courts, I mean, some courts actually separate the two. Some courts in New York, for instance, you can't go to Supreme Court for custody visitation because Supreme Court custody visitation cases are only viewed or heard as part of a divorce. If you were never married, never married, live together, doesn't matter. In New York, your custody visitation case and child support case goes right to family court, which is different. It's Supreme Court if you're married, is family court if you're not married.

Tracey Bee [00:18:37]:
That's a prime example right there. So what happens is the judge will, you know, I've actually recently had a case where the judge said to the mom, well, this child was born of a marriage, lived in a home with both parents as a, you know, from a marriage. Therefore, the father will get 50% of the time, visitation time with his child. Yep. And what that means, that means the judge said, listen, I get it, you are primary caretaker, but dad served some sort of role. He was in the home. And I understand that sometimes dad being in home doesn't necessarily mean what some people think it means, you know, a married dad being in the home, because there's a lot of married dads who are always traveling, who are always working, who hands off, who are, you know, the provider and the protector, and that's it. You know, and they don't do much else when it comes to rearing the kids.

Tracey Bee [00:19:39]:
I get it. I see it all the time. But from the court's perspective, a lot of times that is the case. They will view a child who comes from a married couple who lived in the home with both parents, as a married couple, as a family, will say, will see that both parents is equally, equally important and should share the time equally. Now, again, it depends on your state, because the best interest of the child faculty varies from state to state. How the judges, how the courts actually view 50 50 custody or joint custody varies from state to state. There's still a handful of states that are the only handful of states that really actually see dads as the potential to be, you know, joint. Have joint custody, shared custody, 50 50 custody, whatever they call it.

Tracey Bee [00:20:36]:
Whatever they call it. There's still only handful of states who made that a law. I think it's like five. There are some other states, though, who actually, even though it's not a law, that's their principles they rely on. And you'll ask lawyers, oh, is, you know, North Carolina, 50 50 state, and they'll say, no, it's not a law. However, the courts tend to lean that way. And again, it depends on where you are. That's what, it totally depends on where you are.

Tracey Bee [00:21:06]:
And to some degree, yes, to some degree, it depends on the county that you're in. Yes, absolutely. And to some degree depends on your judge. Yes, it does. So when it comes to visits, though, and you are dad, never married dad, whether you live together or not, and all you're asking for is visits, then you should be asking for visits. That's pretty much standard in your jurisdiction. That should be your starting point. If you want more, then you're probably going to have to prove more because most jurisdictions have a set standard schedule, right, wrong, or indifferent, because I hear a lot of people complain, oh, the standard visitation schedule in New York is every other weekend.

Tracey Bee [00:21:53]:
And, but I've been there every single day of my child's life since they were born, and they're five years old now, so why should I be okay with every other weekend? Well, if you make you have an argument for getting more than every other weekend as a never married parent who was hands on, who might have been a primary caretaker, then go for it. Go to trial. That's what I tell people in New York. I have a client, a past client, who's doing that right now. He's been there since day one. Child is five since, from the day the baby came home from the hospital, seen the baby every single day and did everything. And right now, guess what? He's fighting to get 50 50 time. Because in New York, the standard is every other weekend and a day or evening during the week and split holidays.

Tracey Bee [00:22:42]:
And that's pretty standard. I know for New York City it is anyway. And so to get more than what's standard in your area. Yeah. You might have to make more of an argument. You might have to go to trial. If you cannot convince the guardian at Lynam to go ahead and advocate for why this child should have more than the standard for your jurisdiction, then be prepared to go to trial. That's what I can tell you.

Tracey Bee [00:23:07]:
There's different types of visitation. There's supervised visits, there's therapeutic visits, there's step up visits. There's day only visits. There's overnight visits, there's extended visits, there's long distance visits. There's all kinds of visits. Know what that standard is, too, in your area? Know what that standard is? I see so many dads who will say, oh, I want this, and I'm not going to accept anything else. And then they'll have these other dads, you know, pushing them and encouraging them, don't accept anything less than right. And then they'll say that to somebody who, first of all, doesn't have the resources to go to trial because trials are expensive or who don't have the tenacity to hang in there that long to fight for more than what state.

Tracey Bee [00:23:53]:
So you should definitely do what's suitable for you. You should definitely, and that's why I'm a strategist more than I am anything else. Because for me, being strategic is looking at your case, your background, your facts, your goals, your personality, your personal situation, your resources, your everything is to look at everything that you have to your advantage or not to your advantage. And taking all of that into consideration to come up with a game plan, not allowing somebody else that you don't know tell you what you should be doing, not even me. That's. I don't even tell people what to do. I don't tell people what to do because that's not my job. That's not my thing.

Tracey Bee [00:24:36]:
I help people figure out what's best for them based on all of those things. That's what strategy is. I help them come up with a game plan based on exactly what's going to work for, for them. Their limits, their weaknesses, their strengths, their strong points, everything. That's what I do. What you do at the end of the day is entirely up to you. You have to feel comfortable with that. You have to feel comfortable with the consequences, the outcome, everything.

Tracey Bee [00:25:05]:
So no one else should be telling you what you should be doing, period. And the same thing goes with, again, visitation when it comes to custody. Again, find out in your specific county, your judge, as much as you can, what is likely to happen. If you were to pursue a case for 50 50, you might be really stretchy. And if you are really stretching, then your next decision to make is, do I want to take this on, even though it's a real stretch? Do I have the wherewithal, the mental tenacity, strength? Do I have the resources? Do I have the support? And if I have all of those things, how am I going to get there? How am I going to present my case and position myself to encourage or to influence the judge to do exactly what I want them to do? That's going to take some work and some effort. No, nobody can give you an answer in five minutes. I don't care what you tell them. No one's going to tell.

Tracey Bee [00:26:14]:
No lawyer, no one can tell you that. No one can guarantee you any specific outcome in your case, no matter who they are, not even me, no one. Not a judge, not a lawyer, no one. Because as you might know by now, family court is very fluid. The judge can say, you go to court tomorrow and the judge can be really upset with you and call you everything they can think of and tell you that they're not going to rule in your favor because you're doing this, this and this, and they're going to remember, and I kid you not, you go back to court two weeks later and the judge forgot everything they said to you. I've seen it happen over and over again. So that's how fluid family court is. That's exactly one of the reasons why it's extremely important to have a game plan, have a solid game plan, so that even when the judge gets off course, you're not, you're staying the course or you're able to stick to positioning yourself to your advantage.

Tracey Bee [00:27:20]:
That's why it's extremely important. So if you're in a situation state that does not award 50 50 custody and you're okay with that, then you know, you know the battle is not going to be custody. Your battle might be visitation. Okay, so it's a trade off. So now you're not going to endure that fight of asking for something you might not get anyway. But now you're at visitation and the other parent of the, you know, whomever that is fighting you over the visitation schedule, what are you going to do? Of course, first you're going to look at what's standard in your area. That's what you should do. And then if that's not good enough for you, you need to figure out a way to get positioned and present your case to the judge to convince them to do more than what's standard.

Tracey Bee [00:28:12]:
And that's what I said before, whether that be getting a guardian litem on your side to be the advocate for your child so that they're going to court telling the court that it's your child that needs you more therapy, school, whatever you have, whatever you can think of in your arsenal, that's what you're going to do. If it means that much to you to give visitation more than staying at schedule, then that's what you're going to do. Right. When it comes to joint legal custody, though, that should be something that you should be fighting for, no matter you are, no matter where you are, if you're, if you are a parent that's been involved, that had a relationship, had a bond with your child, yes. If you're not going to get custody or joint custody, 50 50 custody, joint legal should be something you might want to be insistent on. Not for you Mia dads who, you know, don't even know your child's birthday, you've never been involved. You've only decided to go to court because you realize that she took you to child support and you don't want to pay it. And somebody told you that if you get 50 50 or if you try to get custody, you won't have to pay support.

Tracey Bee [00:29:25]:
No, not you dads. You dad should not go from being MIA for the first five years of a child life to come into court expecting to get joint custody or joint legal custody. Unless, again, unless that standard in your specific jurisdiction, then don't play yourself. Please don't do that. If your motivation for custody or joint legal is really just to avoid paying child support, I'm going to tell you this. I have no actual opinion about that, but I will tell you this. A lot of times, from my experience, what I've seen happen is that it sets the dads up to fail. Don't get me wrong, I've seen some dads who did 180 who really didn't want custody, but they figured that was a means for getting, you know, the child support reduced or the obligation and waived completely.

Tracey Bee [00:30:24]:
I've seen some dads really step up to the plate, like, really? And I've seen others who fell flat on their faces who either got joint custody or 50 50 because they're in a 50 50 state. So they really didn't have to fight for that too much, but they got it. They either forfeited a lot of their time and mom wind up taking them back to court to get a modification because of that, or they really dropped the ball in academics or something. They violated other provisions of the parenting plan, like right of first refusal. I mean, you know, a plethora of things. So think about that if that's what your plan is, and also think about if that's what you're going to do. Be sure that you look at the Child Support Standards act calculator for your jurisdiction and do the math. First.

Tracey Bee [00:31:16]:
Find out if having 50 50 does negate child support, because there's some states where it doesn't. New York is one of them. If you have 50 50 in New York. That doesn't automatically relieve you of your obligation to pay child support. The calculator does it, where, you know, there's a special method they use where they calculate child support for each parent based on the time, you know, and they don't, you know, they don't do the days of, the number of days they do. Just, if you have 50 50, they're just going to straight up put in the numbers and, and decide what each parent's obligation, financial obligation is. And whomever, whichever parent has the higher obligation, that's the, whatever that difference is, that's the parent who's going to have to pay. So, for instance, if mother's, mom's obligation is 300 and dad's child support obligation is 500, that $200 difference is going to go to mom even in 50 50 in New York.

Tracey Bee [00:32:23]:
And so your jurisdiction might be that way, might be something similar based on number of days or number of nights that the child spends with you. Whatever it is, whatever it is, I'm not here to recite the actual statutes and the laws for every, all 50 states. There's no way I could do that. That's your job. That's your job to find out, you know, find out what you can before you even go to court. You should be doing your own research. One thing I do notice about dads is you're quick to ask other dads for what you should do. I see that a lot.

Tracey Bee [00:32:55]:
I'm in a lot of dads groups and I see that a lot. I see dads asking a lot of dads what they should do. Like no attempt to do research on their own whatsoever. I see that all the time. And it's so disheartening because people will, dads will say exactly what I said a few minutes ago. Oh, don't accept anything but this. Oh, fight for this. Oh, ask for this.

Tracey Bee [00:33:16]:
Oh, don't do this. Not taking into consideration that every single person's background and facts and judge and all that is different. Everybody's goals are different. Everybody's tenacity is different. On the tolerance level is different. Right. And I know men are, you know, really, you know, proud. So they won't say, hey, I'm not built for that.

Tracey Bee [00:33:39]:
So I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. So they'll just take it and some of them will just blindly apply it, not doing their own research. Please do your own research. Please, I beg you, I implore you to please do your own research. Start by going to your court's website. Getting familiar with the forms, the name of the forms, the fees, the process, the procedure. Who's who, how's the judge chosen? How's the judge circulate if there's, you know, fee waivers, if there's court rules of procedure on there, how the guardian lytems work, how does mediation work? Is mediation required? If so, what's the process? Go there first and do your own research.

Tracey Bee [00:34:25]:
If you need to find laws, go to adjustia.com. they have the laws on almost everything for every single state. Go there, read it, try to understand it. If you don't, then ask that. Don't ask somebody else what you should do in your case. Please don't do that. I know it gets complicated and overwhelming and please don't do that. And then what happens is, and sorry I have to sound biased, but a lot of you men are really not as resilient as it comes to, as women, when it comes to fighting in family court.

Tracey Bee [00:35:04]:
And not to say that you're weak or anything, it's just the toll that it takes on men. I've seen a lot of men give up. A lot of men give up. And sometimes when it. There's a, you know, there's, when your, your mental health is in question and you have to give up just to maintain it. Absolutely. Do what you need to do to, to make sure, because you're no good to nobody if you're not good yourself, if you're not well. So, yes, but when you're trying to take on a fight, that might, it definitely worth it if you're fighting for your kids, to see your kids and you are trying to convince yourself that you're, you can do this, whether you have a lawyer or not, you still have to do your part.

Tracey Bee [00:35:43]:
Don't ever give all the responsibility and control over to a lawyer. Don't expect them to do everything for you. Don't buy into the father's right law firm B's and thinking they're going to make, you know, work magic and, you know, work some sort of wonders in your case, don't do that. You still have to be interactive. You have to be a co pilot. You have to do your own due diligence, your own legwork to ensure that if you really want what you say you want, you're doing what you need to do to set yourself altogether stuff out to get it. So I'm gonna get off my soapbox about that. So if you've been involved and you've been around and you're okay with giving sole custody to mom or primary residence to mom or sole conservatorship or whatever it's called in your area.

Tracey Bee [00:36:38]:
Explore joint legal custody, though, for so many reasons. For so many reasons. If your jurisdiction is an automatic joint legal custody and you don't want joint legal custody, use that as a bargaining tool. Use that as a bargaining tool. In fact, use whatever you can as a bargain. And the way you use things as a bargaining tool. You need to find out what you have in your arsenal. You need to find out what you have in your arsenal or what resources are available to you.

Tracey Bee [00:37:04]:
And how are you going to do that? You got it. You got to look, you got to read. You, you got to gather information. You got to ask questions. You got to do all that because to think you have something to bargain with that really means nothing to the other party or the mom is, you know that. It's a waste. It's a waste. Find out what you really have that you can use as leverage.

Tracey Bee [00:37:26]:
Right? So I don't believe that every single dad who goes to court is completely doomed from the door unless they've been Mia, not paying support or providing financial support. I don't believe that you are just doomed just because you're in family court. There are some people who have, you know, vehemently disagree with me, and, hey, I'm okay with that. Again, I don't argue. I don't debate with anybody over anything. Nobody, not even my significant other. I don't argue. I don't debate.

Tracey Bee [00:38:03]:
I state my position. It is what it is. I hear yours. I acknowledge yours as well because I hear you, and it doesn't change anything. And so I say that. To say that actually, you know, thinking that going to family court is a setup for you is setting yourself up for, you know, destruction or dysfunction or whatever. I believe that whatever you think it is, it is. I think your mindset plays a huge part.

Tracey Bee [00:38:34]:
No, I'm not naive. I'm not an idealist. I'm not very practical. So I'm not oblivious to the fact that, yes, a lot of dads do get shafted, but I think a lot of dads get shafted because they don't know how to position themselves or their kids cases. They don't do a lot of their own due diligence. They much rather figure out a way to get the judge out of the. Off the bench or how to get a federal action started. And again, that is not.

Tracey Bee [00:39:08]:
That is not, to me, that is not the smartest move when you're trying to see your child or you're trying to make some headway with getting custody and or visitation of your child. And a lot of dads will do that. They will get easily get. I mean, I can think of five dads that I've worked with in the past two years that have done that, that have reached out to me about either a recusal or federal lawsuit or something that was completely, completely divergent of where I thought they should have been taking their case. And some of them even trying to convince them of doing, you know, that, of basically tabling that or sort of separating them, they didn't agree and they decided to move on and not work with me. And that was fine, too, because, again, no one's going to change my opinion about what I think is, you know, the best way to go. I've been doing this long enough, and I don't have all the answers, but I can. I can assure you, I can help you find the best answer for you.

Tracey Bee [00:40:18]:
I can assure you I have a proven track record where I help people find the best answer, the best course of action for them. Never mind what I think, never mind what my position is, never mind what my opinion is, never mind any of that. I will help you get the best solution for you. Child support. I don't really discuss child support often, but I'm going to talk about it because that is a big part of father's rights, big part of father's issues in family court. Child support is a moneymaker. We all know that. Child support is a huge money maker for the government, and it's not going anywhere.

Tracey Bee [00:41:03]:
It's. I've seen people start petitions and, um, you know, lobby and all of that stuff. It's not happening. Child support is not going anywhere. I'm sorry. Um, if you are afraid or concerned about having to pay child support, again, find something you can use as leverage. Find something you can use as leverage to negotiate with the other parent over. That's the best thing.

Tracey Bee [00:41:37]:
Try to get them to agree to a child support amount out of court in an agreement. You can put in an agreement and not follow with court. No, it won't be enforceable with the agency, but you can still do it. The problem a lot of dads have is not being. Being consistent is not being consistent. And whether child support should be paid to the other parent or the mom or not is an entirely different topic. If you have a child, if you have a child in this country, you are subjected to paid child support, period. It's unconstitutional.

Tracey Bee [00:42:16]:
It's a violation. It's all of those things I told. Totally agree, but it's not going anywhere. Don't believe anybody who tells you that they got out of child support by claiming that there's some sort of sovereign being or some sovereignty or some. Whatever. That's bullshit. Ask any lawyer. Ask any lawyer.

Tracey Bee [00:42:37]:
It's bullshit. Ask any child support person. I know a few people who work for child support. Ask them. Cozy up to a few of them. Ask them. Ask them if it, has any of that ever worked. I'm telling you it hasn't.

Tracey Bee [00:42:52]:
And don't come to me with a case law that you found from 35 years ago that you claim worked. Trust me, it didn't. Child support is not going anywhere. So what you can do is negotiate. Negotiate? Yes. I know she's hard. She wants money. She's money hungry.

Tracey Bee [00:43:09]:
She's not negotiating. Then you haven't found the right leverage. Find the leverage. Trust me, I'm a woman. I'm a mom. There is leverage. There is leverage. I can assure you what it is.

Tracey Bee [00:43:24]:
That's your job. You have to figure that out. If you work with me, yes, we can find it together. But I can't tell you what that is without knowing who you are, what your situation is. That's your job. Try to get an agreed amount. Be consistent, be reasonable, be consistent. Do as much as you can outside of that.

Tracey Bee [00:43:42]:
Not monetarily, just showing up, just being involved, just being concerned, doing that. A lot of women pursue child support when they're fed up with the inconsistency, the lack of interaction, the lack of concern. You know, a lot of things. A lot. The mistreatment, whatever it is, a lot of women will pursue child support because of. The number one reason is because of inconsistency. And I went through that myself. If I must, if I can be honest with you, I went through that myself with my son's dad.

Tracey Bee [00:44:24]:
You know, I told them, I will never take you to court for child support because I know it's a money machine for the state. That's not my position. Not to mention, I don't need money from you. I can take care of our child. And we wind up coming to an agreement that he would say he would pay a certain amount every month and that amount was to cover his daycare expenses. And it didn't fully, but I was willing to work with him. Guess what? I think he made three payments and then he just stopped. And I told him, the one thing I'm going to expect from you to do is to be consistent.

Tracey Bee [00:45:04]:
Because when I make my budget, I'm going to make my budget around what you're giving me. And so the moment you stop, I have to readjust my budget, and it's not fair to me or our child. And guess what? He assured me he wouldn't do that, and he did it. And so, and I gave him several chances. I didn't just go to child support on the first time he fell off. I gave him several chances and he kept doing it. And I was fed up. And I said, you know what? At this point, now, we're going to get the court involved.

Tracey Bee [00:45:34]:
Oh, you told me you would never do that, blah, blah. I told you I would never do that. As long as you're consistent. You haven't been consistent. You haven't even come to me in advance and say, hey, listen, I'm having financial problems. I don't have the amount that I normally give you, but there's one or two things I could do. I could either pick up something, you know, take something off your plate that I can maybe, you know, cover until I could get back to that position, or I could give you what I do have, or you could just wait until I, I said one of two things, one of three things, or you can wait until I'm in a position to resume. He never did any of those.

Tracey Bee [00:46:15]:
He never suggested any of that. He just stopped, just stopped paying. And he just basically told me, you know, too bad, too sad, you know, I don't have it. And, you know, that's not how we do business. And, yeah, I took him to court for child support, and of course, I was everything under the sun. But you know what? I didn't care because I tried to avoid, I know what child support it does to men. I've seen men go to jail. I had to represent men going to jail for non payment and losing their driver's license and not being able to get their passport to travel and not being able to work and not being able to pay because of that.

Tracey Bee [00:46:51]:
It's a vicious cycle. I've seen it. When I was practicing, I vowed I would never do that to any man as long as we work together. Communication. For me, if you ask anybody who knows me, the first thing I always say to anyone I'm involved with is communicate with me at all times. I don't care if you think I'm gonna get angry or disappointed or upset, communicate. We're adults, let's talk about it. And he just refused to, so that's what happened.

Tracey Bee [00:47:20]:
So. But there was leverage. There was leverage. There was leverage. And he said the leverage was he knew. He knew that I wanted him to be around for my son at all times. So I never wanted him to feel ashamed about coming around because he doesn't have money or things like that. That's why I let him come up with a dollar amount that he felt comfortable giving as long as I wanted him to come up with a dollar amount that I knew he would be consistent on.

Tracey Bee [00:47:48]:
And he still wasn't consistent, but I was. The leverage was if he said to me, hey, listen, if you don't let me pay what I can, I'm not going to be able to see our son as much. And for me, anyone who knows me also knows that I would never interfere with my son's relationship with his dad. Never, never, never. And so that was more important to me than anything else. My son needed his dad, and that was the leverage that he had. He didn't use it, though, but, you know, that was on him. So anyway, I had planned on talking about a few other things that are really relevant to dads, but it's already.

Tracey Bee [00:48:37]:
I've already been speaking for almost an hour, so I'm going to cut this short. The process in court is something that, again, you need to find out when you're doing your research, when you're going to the court's website, your reading, to find out what the process is. Should you accept service, should you allow service to be waived? Should you do mediation, should you waive mediation? Should you have an attorney represent you? Limited scope or just consultation? Or do you. Or should you do pro se or should you do a combination? Should you hire a lawyer? Should it be a father's right lawyer? Or should it be just someone who's more familiar with the judge and the jurisdiction that you're in. All of these things should definitely play into your overall strategy. Every single step you have to take in the family court experience should be thought out, should be given considerable weight so that it helps you plug in all the details, all the factors, all the tactics that's going to help you accomplish the exact goal, the very goal you're trying to accomplish. Accomplish. So again, happy Father's day, dad.

Tracey Bee [00:49:48]:
You keep being incredible. Keep showing up for your kids. Keep being, you know, that role model. Please. The kids need you. They do. They do. I don't care what anybody says they do.

Tracey Bee [00:50:02]:
And I think some of you are doing such an amazing job. I see so many dads that do on my timeline, on Facebook, in my personal world, in my clients. I see so many dads. And I tell them, I always tell dads when they're doing such a great job, I always tell dads, I always remind them how important they are. I'm always telling them how, you know, significant are they are, how kids need them and how they're shaping their kids to be, you know, adults, whether it be, you know, whatever, a spouse, an employee, an employer, a friend, how what they're doing shapes them to do exactly that. So keep doing that. Don't let anyone discourage you. Don't let anyone distract you.

Tracey Bee [00:50:49]:
I know that's easier said than done, but if you need my help, I do work with dads. I do do one on ones with dads. I do a monthly or three months at a time, or six months at a time. I do trial preparation with dads. I do strategy sessions with dads, our strategy sessions with dads. I work with dads. I do. I don't discriminate.

Tracey Bee [00:51:14]:
And it's not because I want your money. It's because I believe what you do, the role you play in kids lives, is incredibly important. And if I can help you be better at that or show up better at that, so be it. Anyway, again, happy Father's Day. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you're still being, you know, treated like royalty. And if you aren't, then I'm sending some special juju out to you for love a